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Half-Finished Draft (pt.2)
May. 10th, 2022 12:59 pmI hope you remember this (while your heart grows cold)
Notes: Weird little post disbandment ryeonseung canonverse timeline thingy i started all the way back in 2020, I'll probably never finish it--especially since a lot has happened since then, including changes in their rps (personas) so i just thought I'd post it)
Excerpt:
They meet. The world flourishes. Things break. Seungwoo enlists and the silence comes crashing down.
Draft :
They knew when their manager didn’t come to the dorm. And then the phone rang.
Dongpyo had been the most optimistic and Seungwoo can’t bear to look at him in the aftermath. Eunsang leaves, and Wooseok goes after him.
Seungyoun just stares there until Hangyul is suddenly there, something fierce and angry and painful in his gaze, pulls at Seungyoun, whispering carefully to him, coaxes him back to their shared room.
Yohan goes with Dongpyo and Seungwoo leaves Hyeongjun and Minhee to their own devices, knows it’s bad, knows also that he doesn’t have a single clue how to make any of this better. So he just leaves it.
And then Dohyon cries, and Seungwoo’s heart feels like someone poured a gallon of lead in it.
Seungwoo had been staring at the phone in his hand when it rang. When he picks up he can almost feel the nervous tick in Hanse’s voice, can feel the others gathered around him, except maybe Seungsik. Seungsik would wait for him to call, would have waited for him to be ready.
“So?” blurts out Hanse and it is so...Hanse in a way, fire and impatience and just the slightest undercurrent of hope and Seungwoo doesn’t know what to say, is still battling with this unknown emotion sitting so heavily at the bottom of his stomach. Still cannot name it.
“Yeah.. so they...uh...decided it would be best if...”
he doesn’t know why he pauses, loses track of time a little bit and is brought back when Hanse makes a tiny impatient noise—
“if we were to discontinue group activities...and disband.”
Saying it out loud doesn’t make it better. and the nameless emotion at the bottom of his stomach whirls catching up to his throat, making it close up.
There’s a collective release of breathe on the other end. Someone hushes someone. There’s some clatter before Hanse’s back again—“...Sorry to hear that...”
barely a pause before he starts again—
'but Hyung—'
his voice contains an excitement Seungwoo wishes he could feel, the rest of Hanse’s words drown in harsh rustling, there’s some minor commotion before Byungchan is on the phone and he says “Hyung, I really...really am so sorry, we should have waited for you to call us, the kids probably need you to right now...and you worked so hard for this...i can’t even imagine how you must be feeling....”
his words are muted, Seungwoo’s staring at the shelf opposite him and he thinks of how he’s never going to see it again. There’s a spot at the corner, the vertex in the right, where front meets side, it spills onto the side, dark brown stark against its lighter shade.
Thinks of how he didn’t have a room mate, thinks of how maybe he never really tried.
“.....ready. we’ll be there waiting for you. At home.”
and it brings Seungwoo back, sharp and jagged and grounding. He blinks. Hears Byungchan say that Subin’s fighting him for the phone now, his voice is brimming with laughter and it feels warm.
Subin’s on the phone now.
“Hyung, so it’s true then? You’re coming back home?”
And Seungwoo thinks in that instant that Subin is so so young but the people he’s been living with are even younger and the pain turns sharper, the weight overwhelming. But Subin’s voice is so familiar and he can hear the emotion in his voice and god he had missed them. So much.
“...uh yeah...Yes. I’m coming home, Subin-ah.”
Feels sharp panic spike through his spine when the door open right as he says those words and turns out to—
Seungyoun’s standing there in his grey hoodie, a towel bunched in his hands and his hair is wet and his hands are wet and his eyes are wet. His eyes are wet—
There’s an unreadable emotion on Seungyoun’s face. Time stills for an eternity where Seungwoo can feel that this one of those moments that’ll never really leave him, will plague his mind days, months, maybe even years after all this over.
A metaphorical clock strikes and everything resumes. Seungyoun turns around wordlessly and Seungwoo feels his mouth form his name, hears it voiced out. It feels like all the air collectively ran out of the room. Feels the air rush out of the room. Can still hear Subin on the other end, can hear their dorm, the sounds of his home he had proclaimed come in.
Seungyoun closes the door behind him and it is not cruel nor angry but it is firm. And Seungwoo’s mouth feels so incredibly dry.
He hangs up. Doesn’t pick up when the phone rings again. He sits there for the longest time and he doesn’t know what to do.
And it feels like something that’s been echoing in his head since the very first time he stepped foot in the spotlight. A familiar poison coaxing him back in their arms—failure. Once again, he is not enough.
Part two:
When he wakes up in the morning, Seungyoun is gone and he’s never seen Hangyul so dismayed.
Wonders if something happened
Part —something (context: seungyoun and seungwoo are having a conversation on the porch like a few days before they moving out of the shared dorms)
"But that’s the thing right, sometimes you can’t tell a good thing until it’s gone."
He pauses.
“Sometimes you can.”
he’s still not looking at Seungwoo and Seungwoo thinks he might not be looking at anything at all, lost in ruminiscence and faded years.
“4 years ago, 13th December, 2015 we just finished filming for the best friend mv and we were in the back of a car and shoot had just finished. As the lights dimmed and the cameras shut off and we were just lying on a heap by the campfire and it was so dark
He exahles.
“and yet so nice? you know...and Moonhan-ie hyung was lying on my lap and everyone was tired but so happy and we couldn’t wait for everything that was to come. And I don’t know why...in that moment, by the fading fire, I looked at the sky and felt like this would be the last time I would ever truly feel this way...feel happy.”
Seungwoo freezes.
Seungyoun’s still looking at this something in the distance which isn’t really anything at all and his small smile which is more bitter than it is anything else springs on his face and he says, so simply...
"And it was.”
Seungwoo doesn’t even know what to say, doesn’t think he can really say anything...that would help. So he just keeps quiet, allows him to go on.
“I blamed myself for so long. And so much...because I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t understand it. Why was this happening to us to me? why it felt like sometimes the whole world was against me. Like a cosmic force beating me into conceding. and then when I was at my worst…the company decided they wanted me on produce.”
“And I wasn’t...”
“I didn’t know what to expect, you know? I didn’t expect I would make it, but to be honest, that didn’t even matter—"the first few weeks I was just so…”,
a faint chuckle, more an happy exhale than anything breaks forth—"so very happy to be back on stage.”
“I know it’s stupid but do you ever feel afraid to love, Hyung?”
and Seungwoo feels breakable.
Seungyoun doesn’t wait for an answer.
And Seungwoo thinks silently that maybe he wasn’t asking after all.
“For the longest time I didn’t...I was so wary because I was so afraid because I thought it would go away. “
“And we debuted and the kids are so young and they make me so happy and just—living together with people…
that you shared a history with. And I realised I hadn’t felt the comfort that comes from being with people in so long, and I realised I didn’t remember a time I had laughed this hard. And it was terrible and scary but also precious, and I wanted so fiercely to hold onto that.”
“But I can’t.”
He turns and now he’s looking and Seungwoo doesn’t even know what to say because suddenly, Seungyoun is very much here and his eyes are so stark and he feels so much older and tired and Seungwoo doesn’t like it.
He’s looking straight at him, his gaze piercing and worn.
It tumbles out like impulse, ripped from his chest because he doesn’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay...it’s not your fault. I’m glad you get to go back home, Hyung.”
“And I get to go back...I have to go back.”
Part something :
Hears his kkt ping. It’s from Seungyoun and Seungwoo doesn’t know whether to be glad or not.
There’s too words on there—“Hyung. Stop.”
three minutes pass before it pings again, And Seungwoo’s bleeding heart dries, dimples curving in as he sees the “But thank you...really.”
Tries to call him to call him to no avail.
Part Y :
He calls him over. Doesn’t tell him that he’s made this decision. Come to think of it, he hasn’t told anybody but then their groupchat has been drier than a desert of late, the occasional promotional messages popping up that Seungwoo’s almost a hundred percent sure the managers are behind.
Seungwoo misses them still, stubborn ache at the edges of his heart, the bottom of his stomach dulling at times but never going away. Never leaving.
Seungwoo’s always had a problem getting attached.
He’s in his studio when Seungyoun calls. And his voice is so frantic that Seungwoo thinks something is wrong, really _wrong_ for a minute and he’s about to run all the way to Cheongdam on his own two feet before what he’s saying finally registers—
‘—from the fans? You didn’t even tell me? You couldn’t even do that? For me? How could you?’
Wait.
‘What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you"—a sob stifled down,
‘You’re leaving? Now?’
He doesn’t know where it comes from, but Seungwoo lets out a small scoff at that, something sharp and cruel and he’s almost surprised by it, hears Seungyoun go quiet at the other end.
‘…Hyung?’
But Seungwoo is aching and he’s tired and god, hasn’t he given so much. And he needs to get this out—
‘Did you know this is the first time you’ve called me…since I don’t know a fucking year? More than that, actually, it’s been 15 months. 15 months of you and me and everything in between and you’ve never called once.’
‘Never asked. Never bothered. Seungyoun you come and you take and you take and you never let me in and you pretend like the entire thing never happened and that everything’s fucking sunshine and rainbows and we don’t fucking talk—
And Seungwoo wishes he didn’t sound so cruel and Seungwoo wishes Seungyoun wasn’t crying and he wishes for a lot of things but most of all, he wishes he could stop.
He doesn’t.
‘So yeah.’
‘Yeah, I didn’t tell you about the enlistment because I didn’t know if you would care.
Hears Seungyoun’s shuddering breaths through the phone and thinks if he’s finally done it, broken the last thing that was ever between them and wonders how he can live it.
And still he continues—
‘and the last time we talked about anything was on the porch after that stupid fucking disbandment and you just closed yourself after that and I never got you back. And I spent an eternity trying to get you back.'
It’s like a dam broke. The aftermath of a tragedy. It feels like something huge.
‘And I’m tired.’
‘So just…just for once. I need you to care—pretend to care, I don’t know, send me a giftcard, give me your best wishes and let me go. Please just...do that for me.’
A beat skips.
And then he hangs up. Seungyoun was still sniffling on the other end. He doesn’t know what was on the other end. Doesn’t know what might have been.
Seungwoo thinks if he let himself think about it he’ll just walk right off the fucking ledge into the ground below.
He feels so stretched thin that he’s half tempted to just knock himself out.
He goes to the roof. To think. He’s fucked everything up. Again.
Typical. And now he’s leaving.
Again.
When all he ever wanted to do was love.
Notes: Weird little post disbandment ryeonseung canonverse timeline thingy i started all the way back in 2020, I'll probably never finish it--especially since a lot has happened since then, including changes in their rps (personas) so i just thought I'd post it)
Excerpt:
They meet. The world flourishes. Things break. Seungwoo enlists and the silence comes crashing down.
Draft :
They knew when their manager didn’t come to the dorm. And then the phone rang.
Dongpyo had been the most optimistic and Seungwoo can’t bear to look at him in the aftermath. Eunsang leaves, and Wooseok goes after him.
Seungyoun just stares there until Hangyul is suddenly there, something fierce and angry and painful in his gaze, pulls at Seungyoun, whispering carefully to him, coaxes him back to their shared room.
Yohan goes with Dongpyo and Seungwoo leaves Hyeongjun and Minhee to their own devices, knows it’s bad, knows also that he doesn’t have a single clue how to make any of this better. So he just leaves it.
And then Dohyon cries, and Seungwoo’s heart feels like someone poured a gallon of lead in it.
Seungwoo had been staring at the phone in his hand when it rang. When he picks up he can almost feel the nervous tick in Hanse’s voice, can feel the others gathered around him, except maybe Seungsik. Seungsik would wait for him to call, would have waited for him to be ready.
“So?” blurts out Hanse and it is so...Hanse in a way, fire and impatience and just the slightest undercurrent of hope and Seungwoo doesn’t know what to say, is still battling with this unknown emotion sitting so heavily at the bottom of his stomach. Still cannot name it.
“Yeah.. so they...uh...decided it would be best if...”
he doesn’t know why he pauses, loses track of time a little bit and is brought back when Hanse makes a tiny impatient noise—
“if we were to discontinue group activities...and disband.”
Saying it out loud doesn’t make it better. and the nameless emotion at the bottom of his stomach whirls catching up to his throat, making it close up.
There’s a collective release of breathe on the other end. Someone hushes someone. There’s some clatter before Hanse’s back again—“...Sorry to hear that...”
barely a pause before he starts again—
'but Hyung—'
his voice contains an excitement Seungwoo wishes he could feel, the rest of Hanse’s words drown in harsh rustling, there’s some minor commotion before Byungchan is on the phone and he says “Hyung, I really...really am so sorry, we should have waited for you to call us, the kids probably need you to right now...and you worked so hard for this...i can’t even imagine how you must be feeling....”
his words are muted, Seungwoo’s staring at the shelf opposite him and he thinks of how he’s never going to see it again. There’s a spot at the corner, the vertex in the right, where front meets side, it spills onto the side, dark brown stark against its lighter shade.
Thinks of how he didn’t have a room mate, thinks of how maybe he never really tried.
“.....ready. we’ll be there waiting for you. At home.”
and it brings Seungwoo back, sharp and jagged and grounding. He blinks. Hears Byungchan say that Subin’s fighting him for the phone now, his voice is brimming with laughter and it feels warm.
Subin’s on the phone now.
“Hyung, so it’s true then? You’re coming back home?”
And Seungwoo thinks in that instant that Subin is so so young but the people he’s been living with are even younger and the pain turns sharper, the weight overwhelming. But Subin’s voice is so familiar and he can hear the emotion in his voice and god he had missed them. So much.
“...uh yeah...Yes. I’m coming home, Subin-ah.”
Feels sharp panic spike through his spine when the door open right as he says those words and turns out to—
Seungyoun’s standing there in his grey hoodie, a towel bunched in his hands and his hair is wet and his hands are wet and his eyes are wet. His eyes are wet—
There’s an unreadable emotion on Seungyoun’s face. Time stills for an eternity where Seungwoo can feel that this one of those moments that’ll never really leave him, will plague his mind days, months, maybe even years after all this over.
A metaphorical clock strikes and everything resumes. Seungyoun turns around wordlessly and Seungwoo feels his mouth form his name, hears it voiced out. It feels like all the air collectively ran out of the room. Feels the air rush out of the room. Can still hear Subin on the other end, can hear their dorm, the sounds of his home he had proclaimed come in.
Seungyoun closes the door behind him and it is not cruel nor angry but it is firm. And Seungwoo’s mouth feels so incredibly dry.
He hangs up. Doesn’t pick up when the phone rings again. He sits there for the longest time and he doesn’t know what to do.
And it feels like something that’s been echoing in his head since the very first time he stepped foot in the spotlight. A familiar poison coaxing him back in their arms—failure. Once again, he is not enough.
Part two:
When he wakes up in the morning, Seungyoun is gone and he’s never seen Hangyul so dismayed.
Wonders if something happened
Part —something (context: seungyoun and seungwoo are having a conversation on the porch like a few days before they moving out of the shared dorms)
"But that’s the thing right, sometimes you can’t tell a good thing until it’s gone."
He pauses.
“Sometimes you can.”
he’s still not looking at Seungwoo and Seungwoo thinks he might not be looking at anything at all, lost in ruminiscence and faded years.
“4 years ago, 13th December, 2015 we just finished filming for the best friend mv and we were in the back of a car and shoot had just finished. As the lights dimmed and the cameras shut off and we were just lying on a heap by the campfire and it was so dark
He exahles.
“and yet so nice? you know...and Moonhan-ie hyung was lying on my lap and everyone was tired but so happy and we couldn’t wait for everything that was to come. And I don’t know why...in that moment, by the fading fire, I looked at the sky and felt like this would be the last time I would ever truly feel this way...feel happy.”
Seungwoo freezes.
Seungyoun’s still looking at this something in the distance which isn’t really anything at all and his small smile which is more bitter than it is anything else springs on his face and he says, so simply...
"And it was.”
Seungwoo doesn’t even know what to say, doesn’t think he can really say anything...that would help. So he just keeps quiet, allows him to go on.
“I blamed myself for so long. And so much...because I couldn’t make sense of it. I didn’t understand it. Why was this happening to us to me? why it felt like sometimes the whole world was against me. Like a cosmic force beating me into conceding. and then when I was at my worst…the company decided they wanted me on produce.”
“And I wasn’t...”
“I didn’t know what to expect, you know? I didn’t expect I would make it, but to be honest, that didn’t even matter—"the first few weeks I was just so…”,
a faint chuckle, more an happy exhale than anything breaks forth—"so very happy to be back on stage.”
“I know it’s stupid but do you ever feel afraid to love, Hyung?”
and Seungwoo feels breakable.
Seungyoun doesn’t wait for an answer.
And Seungwoo thinks silently that maybe he wasn’t asking after all.
“For the longest time I didn’t...I was so wary because I was so afraid because I thought it would go away. “
“And we debuted and the kids are so young and they make me so happy and just—living together with people…
that you shared a history with. And I realised I hadn’t felt the comfort that comes from being with people in so long, and I realised I didn’t remember a time I had laughed this hard. And it was terrible and scary but also precious, and I wanted so fiercely to hold onto that.”
“But I can’t.”
He turns and now he’s looking and Seungwoo doesn’t even know what to say because suddenly, Seungyoun is very much here and his eyes are so stark and he feels so much older and tired and Seungwoo doesn’t like it.
He’s looking straight at him, his gaze piercing and worn.
It tumbles out like impulse, ripped from his chest because he doesn’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay...it’s not your fault. I’m glad you get to go back home, Hyung.”
“And I get to go back...I have to go back.”
Part something :
Hears his kkt ping. It’s from Seungyoun and Seungwoo doesn’t know whether to be glad or not.
There’s too words on there—“Hyung. Stop.”
three minutes pass before it pings again, And Seungwoo’s bleeding heart dries, dimples curving in as he sees the “But thank you...really.”
Tries to call him to call him to no avail.
Part Y :
He calls him over. Doesn’t tell him that he’s made this decision. Come to think of it, he hasn’t told anybody but then their groupchat has been drier than a desert of late, the occasional promotional messages popping up that Seungwoo’s almost a hundred percent sure the managers are behind.
Seungwoo misses them still, stubborn ache at the edges of his heart, the bottom of his stomach dulling at times but never going away. Never leaving.
Seungwoo’s always had a problem getting attached.
He’s in his studio when Seungyoun calls. And his voice is so frantic that Seungwoo thinks something is wrong, really _wrong_ for a minute and he’s about to run all the way to Cheongdam on his own two feet before what he’s saying finally registers—
‘—from the fans? You didn’t even tell me? You couldn’t even do that? For me? How could you?’
Wait.
‘What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you"—a sob stifled down,
‘You’re leaving? Now?’
He doesn’t know where it comes from, but Seungwoo lets out a small scoff at that, something sharp and cruel and he’s almost surprised by it, hears Seungyoun go quiet at the other end.
‘…Hyung?’
But Seungwoo is aching and he’s tired and god, hasn’t he given so much. And he needs to get this out—
‘Did you know this is the first time you’ve called me…since I don’t know a fucking year? More than that, actually, it’s been 15 months. 15 months of you and me and everything in between and you’ve never called once.’
‘Never asked. Never bothered. Seungyoun you come and you take and you take and you never let me in and you pretend like the entire thing never happened and that everything’s fucking sunshine and rainbows and we don’t fucking talk—
And Seungwoo wishes he didn’t sound so cruel and Seungwoo wishes Seungyoun wasn’t crying and he wishes for a lot of things but most of all, he wishes he could stop.
He doesn’t.
‘So yeah.’
‘Yeah, I didn’t tell you about the enlistment because I didn’t know if you would care.
Hears Seungyoun’s shuddering breaths through the phone and thinks if he’s finally done it, broken the last thing that was ever between them and wonders how he can live it.
And still he continues—
‘and the last time we talked about anything was on the porch after that stupid fucking disbandment and you just closed yourself after that and I never got you back. And I spent an eternity trying to get you back.'
It’s like a dam broke. The aftermath of a tragedy. It feels like something huge.
‘And I’m tired.’
‘So just…just for once. I need you to care—pretend to care, I don’t know, send me a giftcard, give me your best wishes and let me go. Please just...do that for me.’
A beat skips.
And then he hangs up. Seungyoun was still sniffling on the other end. He doesn’t know what was on the other end. Doesn’t know what might have been.
Seungwoo thinks if he let himself think about it he’ll just walk right off the fucking ledge into the ground below.
He feels so stretched thin that he’s half tempted to just knock himself out.
He goes to the roof. To think. He’s fucked everything up. Again.
Typical. And now he’s leaving.
Again.
When all he ever wanted to do was love.
